THE JOURNEY CONTINUES

       THE MESSAGE IS HOPE AND THE PROMISE IS FREEDOM BUT FREEDOM IS NOT FREE.

           Hi there it has been a while since my last post but I feel the need to let you know where I am at in my journey. Today I love my way of life but that does not mean that my life is perfect, what is means is that I am grateful for the life I has today which is a direct result of the rooms of N.A. and the predecessors that decided to stay long enough to help me SAVE my life. Only when life shows up do I find out where I am at in my recovery. I have to make a daily decision to be active in this new way of life. I found out the exact nature of what I suffer from and it not about my using drugs but it is about my feeling and how I process them and when those feelings come up I know that it is time to get to work. These feelings that arise if not dealt with will cause to create harm in my life and others. 


          There are two issues that I am working on, the first is a result of me being convinced that I know what works for me in my recovery. I not saying that I care what or how others perceive me but I care about the vibration that I am send out to others and how my knowing what works for me I could be taking for being arrogant or cocky. I understand that it really doesn’t matter what you think about me but I want to be the vessel that let other know that you too can live a life of spiritual principles and not personalities. My life is lived from my Spirit and not my Ego and I am learning that my body language speaks volumes and sometimes I don’t have to say a word for other to understand what I am saying. I not changing my core beliefs I am changing the packaging of my message. The message is the same but I need to learn to control the vibrations that I send to others. My solution is to let people live their lives, even it is killing them, anyway they see fit. I am learning that sometimes people really don’t want help and I should not force it on them because what works for me only works for me, and they need to find out what works for them but if they want assistance I will be here to help in any way that is needed.


        The second issue that I am working on is the manner of my speech, when i say this I mean the volume of my speech. I grew up in a large family and I learned that if I wanted me need met I needed to speak up for myself and that meant that sometimes I was yelling. Today when I speak to certain individuals they think that I am yelling at them and this is not so but I am learning that I need to bring the volume down because even if I have information that may save someone if they may nit hear it because the volume of my speech may turn them off to the information that is presented.


       Lets not get it twisted I am not abandoning my core beliefs I just changing the packaging so I could present the message to those that are struggling. The only way I could of come to these conclusion is that I have learned the patterns of my life and I can see me today.

       I am just a vessel for the Spirit and I must learn to live in the presence of my greatest enemy and not allow it to control me. My greatest enemy is in me and that enemy is my EGO. My EGO is learning what I learn and is trying to finds ways and means to destroy everything that I have built and continue to build but my relationship with the Spirit reveals the methodology of my Ego and I stay forever vigilant in this battle. Thank you N.A. for teaching me how to live this life and I will never leave the front lines.


I AM A GRUNT IN THE ARMY THAT IS IN THE WAR AGAINST THE DISEASE ADDICTION. I JUST NEED TO SAY MY CONCRETE BOOTS KEEP ME FROM RUNNING AND MY PROCESS KEEPS ME GROWING.

LOVE YOU ALL

A WARRIOR IN THE FIGHT

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

     My transition to life in California has been amazing. I have met people that have enriched my life and made me feel at home and my assimilation into fellowship of N.A. has been amazing and I am grateful to Napa/Solano Area of N.A. The culture of N.A. that raised me is very different then this culture i.e., where I am from the group is the vehicle  for the spiritual experience but here the spiritual experience is held within the people and in the beginning it was different but what it actually did was force me out of my comfort zone and I had to engage people if I wanted to get spiritually feed. This exercise has really created balance in my life and this is just another benefit from being a member of N.A. I don’t want you to think it has been a bed of roses but the program has tools that I can use to live life on life terms. I have met some people that sound real good but that is all it is they sound good but living the program is not about sounding good for me it is about living the program. 

      Well I went back to New York in October to share a someone One year Anniversity who I thought we were friends but in the end I was wrong but I also had alot of time to spend with my mother and grandfather, now if you read the previous pages you understand why this was important to me. Let me just tell you that while I was in the eye of the storm (HURRICANE MOTHER) I was not able to see the lesson that I was engaged in but when I came back to Cali and I started to process my experience in New York what I found out was that even at 44 years old I was still reacting to my mother like I was 13 years old and some of the situation were just plain stupid. Through my prayer and meditation it was revealed to me that the love that I always wanted from my mother and other could not compare to love that I have on the inside of me. This love that is on the  of me is only accessible by having intimate relationship with myself and I only could have arrived at this point of intimacy by doing the work and going through the 12 steps. The 12 steps allowed me the opportunity to remove the bullshit and the warp perceptions that I had about life and live in reality. Spirituality means having a relationship with reality and today I have a wonderful relationship with reality but only because I decided to follow direction and do the work.

This blog has a binary purpose, first it is so everyone that reads it can get to know me better and the second it to show where I started and when I am at now. If this blog has helped you in any way or you someone that it would help please pass it on. This blog was created to be of service to all thise that are still dealing with self-bondage…..

THE MESSAGE IS HOPE AND THE PROMISE IS FREEDOM BUT FREEDOM IS NOT FREE!!!!!!!!!!!

HAVE  A WONDERFUL AND PROSPEROUS YEAR BUT REMEMBER FREEDOM IS THE ULTIMATE GOAL SO I PRAY THAT YOU ASK FOR THE HELP THAT IS NEEDED TO OBTAIN FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 THE JOURNEY CONTINUES……………………………………………..

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES

     In one of the many books I read “The Bible” in MATTHEW 23:11, while talking to the disciples JESUS says “THE GREATEST OF YOU SHALL BE SERVANTS”. I would like to thank N.A. for showing me how to be of service and how to do it outside the rooms. Today service is a very important part of my life and it helps me give back what i was freely given.

 

      Today my life is about responsibility for my actions no matter how uncomfortable or extreme the consequences are responsibility is first in my life especially when I have created harm in another’s life. Having to admit to her that I got her pregnant on purpose was not easy but the right thing to do sometimes is not easy but today I have a program that tells me that I must always be responsible in all my affairs. My fear created the situation but my faith helped me walk through it. Now if I tell you she was not happy with my actions would be an understatement but what she taught me is that no matter what happens in my life that I can always use spiritual principles and the one she used was forgiveness and non judgement. I live with this lesson that she taught me everyday because she is my teacher or guide and at the lowest time in my life she chose to teach me and not hate me because it could of easily went the other way.  This is a testament to her character after processing it and understanding that the fetus needed to be aborted she allowed me to apart of the solution. ( My first abortion experience was not a pleasant one because I was blamed for the whole experience and the woman told me that “it was all my fault and I ruined her life”) and this women knew all those feelings that were associated with my first abortion so she let be apart of the solution behind the harm that I created. 

 

      This were I had to take a look at the exact nature behind why I was only concerned about ME and why her feeling and life was not important to me but the way she treated me during during the situation helped me to really take a hard look at my definition of what I considered LOVE.  I come from a place that love was only given based a conditions but this was the first time I received unconditional love outside N.A. and this love had me reevaluate my definition of what love means to me. I am in her debt because her gracious spirit taught me instead of condemning me and I must say that is and was the most important life lesson I learned since being released from prison. Her loving spirit allowed me to find the love in me that is my authentic self and not my delusional self and it has also help me to shatter the illusion that I had associated with my perverted sense of love.

 

     The decision was made that she would receive a medical abortion that she would do in her home and she graciously let me be there with her while she took the medication and went through the abortion. My first abortion my feelings were not taking into account and the woman and my mother went to get the abortion without me and I had alot of feelings around how I was not apart of the solution and that I needed my mother to come save the day. She made herself available but never talked to me about what she was going to do and has never talked to me about what she did but today I hold no bad feelings towards my mother I have accepted her for who she is and not what I want her to be. The second abortion was so different because my feelings were taking into account even though I created the situation and she allowed me to make a amends and be apart of the solution and in being apart of the solution I learned more about the exact nature of what I suffer from. 

 

     My life is a accumulation of the decisions that I have made but it is also about what I accept and believe about who I am and not what I am. My journey has revealed to me that there is no right or wrong, no good or bad it is all just learning and what I learn is based on my perceptions on what happens to me. My journey through the 12 steps has allowed me to be aware of the patterns of my life and how my decisions create the reality that I live and the steps has given me a level of intimacy with me that I would of never achieved without the steps and a sponsor to guide me through the trails of life.

 

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES………………………………………………………

 
 
 
 
 

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES

     It’s been a little while since entering a post but I had to take a little break just to see where I am at in my life. I am here to report that even though I don’t have a reliable means of supporting myself I am grateful for the relationships that I have formed over the last 4 months in California. Since my last post I was given the opportunity to do a 12 step call which landed me in Minnesota and then we drove through to Oregon and then to California. My gratitude to the program of N.A. tells me to be of service but I have found that when I help with no expectations I receive more than the person that I am helping.

     On August 15, 2013 I was released from New York State Prison for the first time in my life I was grateful for the time I spent in Prison because I used my time in prison to get to the exact nature of what I suffered from and what needed to be done to begin to heal ME! Like I said earlier I prayed for my next level of spiritual development so my time spent in prison was used like I was in a monastery and when I looked at my time in this view my time flew by but so did the process of healing myself. Coming home was not an easy process in the beginning I had to stay in the shelter because I refused to parole to N.Y.C. even though I could of Poughkeepsie became my home and I really didn’t like living in the city. Then after about a month and a half parole put me in a room and for 3 months I searched for a means of support but it was not easy then one day a member of the fellowship told me about a job where he worked and I filled out the application and started working in early December and held that job until I made my move to California.

      Remember that women that I talked about right before I went to prison, well I knew I owed her a amends and one day I wrote her and it took some time for me to convince her to see me but on New Year’s Eve she invited me to her house to bring in the new year ( I am grateful for her forgiving spirit) and I must tell you I still loved her but the women that I brought the new year was not the same person she had evolved into this spiritual being that I was even more attracted to but I found out that while I was locked up she had found he soul-mate and they gotten married. In a freak accident he passed away but in the lowest point in her life she pushed pass and blossomed into this beacon of spiritual light and I wanted to absorb any and all of this energy that she had because all the work I did in prison was pointing me in the direction of my spiritual conditioning. I am not from this world and today I understand exactly what that means. New Year’s Eve was what I thought the start of something new and in a sense it was, we were intimate with each other and those feelings that I had her never went away so you could how easy it was for me to take our relationship to a place that it would never be. We talked about what had happened and after the talk we decided that we would have a friend with benefit relationship and I must tell I was not honest with her because I wanted more but I would take what I could get because I was still under the delusion that I loved her. The women that she is was not the women that I love 4 years she was more (for lack of a better word) but I still looked at her with my old perception of her and didn’t appreciate her until I caused her harm.

     One day while I was visiting her I was sitting in her living room meditating and the spirit revealed to me that this relationship had run it’s course and this was over and at that point I allowed fear to enter my thought process and I started to look for a way to keep her in my life by any means. In the program I was taught the there are no problem only situation that force me to become creative to find the solution but I have found that when fear enters that thought process I can’t think straight so I thought that if I get her pregnant that she will always be connected to me. What I didn’t know while plotting this plan that she had a medical condition that prevented her from carrying a child to full term while working ( she has a demanding job in television) and needed to under doctor’s care. I didn’t find any of this until the deed was done. One day she tells me that she is pregnant and started to blame herself for the whole ordeal. now I could of allowed her to take the blame but like I said I connected to my spirit and the program that I live today would not allow me to not take responsibility for my actions. Now a week before I put my plan into action I told her how I felt and we talked about what I was feeling but it did no good because I still went through with getting her pregnant. (If a man was looking for the perfect woman to have his children their is no better candidate than her, she would and will make a GREAT mother and any man would be lucky is she picks him.) 

  

     I must let you know that this is the woman that I dreamt about when I was 13 and she is everything that my vision showed me she would be. 

Today she a friend and she still pushes me to do better and be better. I still have strong feelings for her but not for a relationship but in a eternal friendship that transcends time and space. ( THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME ENOUGH TO HELP ME SHATTER MY ILLUSION. TODAY I LOVE YOU FROM MY AUTHENTIC  SELF!!!!!!!)

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES………………………………………………………

     Funny thing happened to me in the rooms of N.A., I found people that really love me and care about my well being. Perfect example, I have to share a a rehab tomorrow and I have no where to get their but the rooms had told me to get numbers and to dial them not file them. So I begin my search for a ride out there and an amazing thing happened I found a ride. Only in N.A. would I have found a people to help me and they do not expect anything in return.

 
      On the merry go round I go again, now I have experience in stopping and picking up and I have found out that when I use I brake out in handcuffs, and my actions have consequences that one day must be delivered and that day came in January 20, 2001 the police came to arrest me and at that time I had a house full of addicts. So I made a deal with the city of Poughkeepsie police that I will come out only if they let everybody in my house go and they agreed. I was rescued that glorious day because a month earlier on my birthday I prayed for my next level of spiritual development ( be careful what you pray for because you just might get it but it might not come the way you want it)unbeknownst to me that prison would be the place that I needed to evolve to my next level but it was and I would never change it for anything in the world.  Upon entering the county jail I slept for a week because I was running from life but life has a funny way of tripping you up and now it was time to start my way back into life.
     While in the county I met this man that would help me to start on this journey . He talked to me for 2 weeks and we talked about everything and at the end of this time he asked me if he could tell me something and of course I said yes, he said ” when you speak you use I, me and mines to much” it was like a light bulb went off in my head because the program tells me that what I suffer from selfishness and self-centeredness and his advice was exactly what I needed to look at my life life with a different perspective. My time in county was uneventful and on October 11, 2011 I was convicted of Criminal Sale of A Controlled Substance in the third degree and Selling in a School Zone and I was sentence to 3 years flat and 2 years post supervision. Going through situation was not alien to me even though that last time I went through the processing of become a convict was 20 years earlier it was familiar and almost had the sense of normalcy but I knew that this will be the last time that I will relinquish my freedom due to my disease of addition. 
       While in prison I made a promise to myself that I would not waste this time just because I was in state custody, just because I was in state custody didn’t mean I have to just merely exist so I decided to read every book I could get my hands on and the subject matter of the book I read were not fantasy or fiction. The book  that I started to read were spiritual in nature, in the N.A. literature it says what I suffer from is spiritual in nature so I wanted to understand the nature of the spirit and after reading all those books I have come to a conclusion about the nature of the spirit, ready, the nature of the spirit is LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!! Simple enough right, not, I have found out that in order to have that relationship with the spirit I must start with the most basic relationship which is the one with myself. This was not an easy task because I lived in a state of constant fear and love and fear cannot exist in the same space so my first order of business was to get a diagnosis before I could get a prognosis, ( the root word for prognosis and diagnosis is gnosis which means Knowledge) the 12 steps allowed me to evaluate the patterns of my life and see the exact nature of my aliment. the exact nature of what I suffer from is based in fear. Fear that was a direct result from the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual abuse I suffered from as a child.  I had to take a hard look at my life without the emotional attachment that each situation brings with it. My greatest asset while in prison was time and I used every bit of it so the I could become comfortable with looking at my past but not looking so I could place blame but look at my past so I could learn those life lessons and to understand how did I arrive to this point in my life. 
      This journey of self discovery has given me a level of freedom that I thought I would never experience the 12 steps and the fellowship of N.A. I received the help necessary to identify what was really going on in my life. Today I do not allow fear to rule my life today I face my fears because the fellowship tells me that I never have to be alone that I have people in my life that will help me with whatever I problem I go through. I am never alone.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES…………………………………………..

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES.

     Funny thing happened to me in a meeting last night, the topic was Family and for me this could not of been the best topic for me because I have learned topic meeting really come up when I need to take a hard look in some area of my life. I have issues when it come to family because I never felt loved by my family. I have always felt like a second class citizen in my family. I always felt like they were taking care of me out of obligation and not a desire to nurture me to become a healthy human being. With the help of the rooms of N.A. I have been able to redefine exactly what family is and what it is not. I have found out that there is a big difference between I LOVE YOU and I HAVE LOVE FOR YOU.

        I LOVE YOU is a action statement, it means that their is nothing that you could do that I won’t have your best interest at heart or your back. I HAVE LOVE FOR YOU is a passive statement, it means that my love has a set conditions that must be met in order for me to show my love. I would of not understood the real meaning of love if it was not for the rooms(N.A.) because they really loved me until I could love myself and for that I will be forever grateful.

          Relapse is part of my story and I had alot of time to think about my relapse. I had 29 months clean before my relapse and this was my first attempt to find a solution to my problems. So in the beginning I took the suggestions and I got a sponsor, I made 90 meetings in 90 days, I found a home group and I got a services commitment and life was good. I found a job early on in recovery and for the first time I was living and not surviving and for the first time I starred to feel and not run from my feelings. With this new found acceptance of my feeling I found that I wanted to have a relationship with someone so I began my search and I didn’t use conventional means I used the most impersonal means available the internet. I had a job at this time so paying for a membership to a dating site was doable and that is what I did. It was not long before I net a couple of women through this website but then one day I hit the jackpot and met this woman, now this woman was the woman that I dreamed about when I was a teenager. She was the complete package she had intelligence( she graduated from college), she was independent, creative and if that was not enough she had this beauty that took my breathe away every time I seen her or even talked to her on the phone. I was honest with her about my life and I told her that I went to meetings and why I went to meetings and this did not make her run(KEEPER).

     At around the same I met another woman and for the first time I in my life I had a decision to make about two woman but she had nothing on the first one.

     I must tell you that I was not cured or even started to deal with these deadly 7 WMD’s(low-self esteem, no self worth, no self acceptance, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, self image and fear of poverty), I didn’t even know what they were at the time I was going through this relationship but as a result of intensive step work in prison I was able to identify the exact nature of what I suffered from and start to implement the solution to some of these afflictions. 

      Now this woman was further along in her life goals than I was and I felt less than because I could not do the things that she was used to. We were in two different tax brackets and because I suffered from this low opinion of myself it was easy to beat myself up for not being the man that I thought she should have. All the time she reassured  that I was good enough and all I had to do was set some goals and I would be the person that I wanted to be. Something in me could not let go of the fear of poverty and my low self worth that I did not hear all the good things that she was telling me all I heard was I would never measure up which was my shit and not hers. I was with her about 5 months and my feelings of not feeling good enough were strong so I decided to get a second job so as a result I could not she her as often as I would like to but I told myself that the sacrifice that I was making would pay off. By this time the car that I bought was acting up so I started renting cars every weekend and you know that shit gets expensive fast. Now I had a decision to make, stop seeing this woman every weekend or go back to what I used to do to make money. The right decision would of been to stop seeing her because she lived a hour away and I was not economically capable to keep up this illusion but it was too late I had falling and I did not want to give her up. I went back to selling drugs so I could keep up appearances. I thought the if I sold heroin  that I would be immune to my drug of choice but that was a illusion too and towards the end of our relationship I was using and selling and I seen the end coming real fast. Before I fell off the path I made a decision to protect this woman from what I knew was coming, so one day I ended it with her because I could not see that look of disappointment on her face. The way I ended it was very immature and hurtful but all I was trying to do was save her from the dark side of me because I knew what I  was coming. I did not want to give up my dream girl but my issues were too extreme and I did not want to lose her forever.

      SO now I am left with all of these feeling of failure, hurt, pain and loss because I had to leave this woman in order to protect her from the dark side of me. I did not want to feel no more so I used and used and back on the merry go round I go again………….. 

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES…………………………………………..

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES.

The rooms of N.A. were instrumental in my life by showing me that this program works. First I must say that there are two components to N.A., one is the fellowship and the other is the program.

     This fellowship is where I learned how to live one day at a time. In Narcotics Anonymous we have a range of individuals that come into the rooms but not all of them are here to help. Early on in my journey my predecessors gave me some suggestions that help me cultivate some of the most important relationship in life, one of the first suggestions that I remember is “Stick with the winners” but coming into N.A. I did not know what a winner looked like so they further to me that a winner is a person that lives this program and does not talk this program. The other suggestion that changed my life is “Never allow someone opinion of you become your reality”. These two suggestions were the turning point in my life because it gave me the courage to stand on my own feet and stop believing the lies that were told me. Sticking with the winners allowed me to see qualities in other people that I wanted in me and all I had to do was ask for help, I mean when I found out that it was that easy to change my life and all I had to do was to develop a level of intimacy with not only other people but with myself. The fellowship of N.A. is my inspiration because when you someone come into the rooms beaten and broken and then with some time and working with a sponsor the transformation happens and they are filled with so much hope, priceless…….

      The second component of the rooms of N.A. is the program, the consist of 12 step, 12 traditions and 12 concepts but it is important to understand the Steps are used to free me from me. The traditions is to keep others free from me and the concepts are the guidelines to be involve in service. Being apart of the fellowship is good but doing the program is the only way I was able to start the healing process. The 12 Steps was the only was for me to free me from me because the 12 Steps has this uncanny ability to have me look at me devoid of the emotional connection. It had me look at what was and not what I hoped it would be. The 12 Steps gave me the courage to look at my at what happened in my life and learn the lessons of life.

     The most important part of my journey is my foundation and my foundation consist of the first 3 Steps these Steps is how I live my life in every area of my life. I love this fellowship and I love the program I do not where my life would be without the program because this program had allowed me to find my Spirit again. It has helped me remove all of the bullshit that keep my disconnected from my spirit, priceless………………..

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES……………………………………………